"A" is for...

A few years ago I set out to become Awesome with a capital A. Back then I was big on intention, low on motivation and more or less paying for school without any clear intentions for my degree. I was a smart student, talented enough, even had fabulous mentors, but it wasn't sufficient to counter a tumultuous home life. Just within these few weeks finally moved out my efficiency increased tremendously, showing just how crippling that environment was for me. But aimless student that I was, the gods saw fit to equip me well, and I had gained a new and valuable friend in Katherine R.

Let me take some time to be touchy-feely. She remembers being rash and reactive, but I remember learning how a girl could get a backbone. And besides giving to me my first Tarot deck, she was also the first person to whom I confessed this Earth spirituality. By all accounts this has been a pivotal friendship.

That being said, we sat in our new favorite teahouse this afternoon (the old favorite teahouse being about 600 miles away in Las Vegas) and reminisced on a conversation we had in those earlier days, silly at the time but now rather instrumental in the way we see our goals. "Let's be awesome," we said, "like Awesome with a capital A. Underlined. And with exclamation points." My personal vision of Awesomeness included a completed degree or two and sophistication in every cultured setting, but the rest was pretty vague picture of badassery. Over time I've better developed this vision of Awesome but only after facing the tough questions


And the less existential tough questions:

What would Awesome eat?

Does Awesome believe in Saturday morning cartoons?

Could I possibly smell like Awesome?

Without realizing it, I had come to view Awesomeness as something attainable, an ultimate goal toward which I make actual progress. This afternoon we discussed an anything-but-old mentor of mine whose being is proof positive of the viability of Awesomeness. Crissy Manwerring is a free-lance writer. She has traveled far and adventurously. She manages a home library. She is an amateur gourmet. She has painted the very artwork on her walls. I remarked to Katherine R. that most importantly she had decided to be successful with at least those five things. Never one to waste an opportunity for introspection, she asked me what I've decided to be successful with. Never one to pass up introspective questions, I came up with this:

I shall be a yogi. I want to find my center and be my center regardless of where I am or who I am dealing with. I am the mystic and I am the reality. The center of the universe is within me, and I shall always remember this.

I shall be a minister. With the whole of my being and with the evidence of my actions I shall serve the people I care for and dignify humanity through attentive teaching and counseling. Most importantly I will teach the value of empathy and its expression through direct service.

I shall learn and live the principles of reciprocity especially through the vehicle of my home. I shall share of my food and share of my love in a manner that others will sense. I shall recognize good company. I will be very good at it.

I shall always present myself as what I am and never compromise my identity for the comfort of present company or my self if need be.

I shall keep to my path and my path alone. Even it's scary, or worrisome. Even if I feel like there's a lot to lose. I own my path, and if nothing else, this is my legacy.

I think it's worth something to know that these goals sit close enough to the surface to name them all on a Sunday afternoon. Even more to know that at least a few other people think I've attained some measure of the ultimate Awesome.

Which, by the way, smells like a fresh shower, wears pencil skirts and tends to eschew the cartoons for good company and an excellent cup of tea. For today at least.

Somthing to write home about

The sign says, "Welcome to the Land of Enchantment." The locals take it with a grain of salt.

In a nutshell, I packed up all my favorite stuff and ran away to New Mexico. 580 miles is a long way to come without food, money or a plan for room or board in order to begin an education I haven't paid for. All I knew was that this was where the Gods wanted me to go - the way things were looking when I started this journey, the smart thing to do would have been to stay home, save my money and go to community college. Hardly the way I would have wanted it, the experience was a f****** ordeal, and I had a few breakdowns to show for it. In fact there's little I wish to say of the matter to the wide, wide world.

However I will say that I can see how I was prepared for this trial with several [relatively] smaller ones before stepping into this one. Kind of like unit tests building up to the exam. Gods know it's the only way I survived it. They even furnished me with far better than I would have settled for. I'm not out of the woods, but I rather think this is a good beginning.

[Many, many thanks to Ms. Katherine R. (and the other fine young women) for much patience... and use of the couch. Glad to share Albuquerque with the likes of you.]